


the darkest water I've ever known

by jessicamiriamdrew



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, mentions of suicide and self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-01
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 22:19:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicamiriamdrew/pseuds/jessicamiriamdrew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How can Bruce go on living when the man who saved his life is dead?</p>
            </blockquote>





	the darkest water I've ever known

Tony Stark is dead. Bruce wants to scream it, shout it, carve it into his skin. He still doesn’t think he’ll ever believe it. How could a man like Tony ever die?

This is where the story twists to cliche. Bruce runs out to buy a gun, blows off his own head, reunites with his lover. But Bruce can’t do that, can’t kill himself because of the Hulk.

Tony is the only person who ever accepted Bruce and the Hulk together. Most people chose the part they wanted. Betty wanted Bruce. General Ross wanted the Hulk. The list continues that way.

Bruce wonders if there are other ways to kill himself. Falling won’t work. He considers pills. If the pills act slowly enough, the Hulk may not realize what’s going on, may not be able to stop him.

It’s not that Bruce thinks he’ll be reunited with Tony when his life ends. Bruce doesn’t believe in god or multiple iterations or any higher power. Even if he did, Tony doesn’t. Didn’t. But being dead would be better than being alive without Tony.

And yet here he is, unable to die. He can hear Tony saying “No, Bruce, we need you to stick around.” But Tony’s dead now and no one else will ever talk to him like that again.

Maybe he should have left when Tony pressed him to stay. The ten floors of research and development, candyland, science, what does any of it matter now?

Was their entire relationship worth it now that Tony is dead? These are dangerous thoughts. Bruce can’t undo the last three years of his life. Can’t forget being up late in the lab and Tony bringing him a cup of tea, the way their fingers touched around the cup.

Tony’s slow smile over Bruce’s hesitation. “I haven’t done this in awhile.” Tony’s hand lingering on Bruce’s face. “Don’t worry. We can go slow.”

A first anniversary where Bruce didn’t know what to get Tony and blurted out as much the day before. Tony took them both to South America for a whirlwind of culture immersion. Bruce’s Spanish is rusty but his Portuguese is good and between the two of them they avoid any embarrassing gaffes.

He calmly buys a copy of the first newspaper he sees with the headline story about Tony. There are a lot of papers. He takes the paper back to Stark Tower and sets it on fire. It’s an offering, a sacrifice, a prayer to gods he doesn’t believe in. He isn’t sure what he’s asking for anymore.

Bruce doesn’t even feel the Hulk inside of him. From the moment Tony died, the Hulk retreated. Perhaps the Hulk knows how much Tony cared for the both of him. It’s not often Bruce wishes for the Hulk but a little rage might make him feel less empty.

He remembers the first time he thought Tony had left. They fought—why did they ever even fight?—and Tony spent the night in a different part of the tower. Bruce tossed and turned until he woke up with dreadful certainty that this was over. When he finally managed to leave their suite, he found Tony in the kitchen attempting pancakes. Bruce didn’t know whether he should laugh or cry so he’d just kissed Tony instead.

Pepper tries to get Bruce to sleep or eat or shave. He can’t imagine how she’s still standing. How is the world spinning on without Tony? Shouldn’t it be off balance somehow? Tony told him that during the battle against the Chitauri, the Hulk saved him. Bruce never told him how many times Tony had saved his, had only hoped Tony could feel it with each kiss pressed into his skin.

He wonders if a slow death would have been better. If this would be easier to handle if the arc reactor had begun to poison him again. Bruce would at least have time to tell Tony how much he loved him, to show him.

A few weeks after they got together, Bruce opened his closet to find his favorite hoodie gone. He later found Tony in the lab, wearing said hoodie. Before Bruce could protest, Tony waved him off. “It’s comfy. Makes me think of you. Besides, I’ll buy you more.” Bruce laughs, lets Tony keep the damn thing.

There’s no body to recover. Bruce can’t even get closure that way, by staring at the corpse that used to be his partner. The Iron Man suit is found melted and twisted. No one tells him, dares to talk about it, but Bruce knows how his body would have incinerated.

Having taken Tony, the world can’t take anything else from him. He wonders if he should just call General Ross and offer himself up for testing. Maybe Ross can invent something that will kill him or keep him drugged until he doesn’t care.

There will never be another person like Tony Stark. Not for the world. Not for Bruce. And Bruce will no longer be the same man.

“You’ll be the death of me,” Tony had joked after sex. “I’m getting old; stamina isn’t what it used to be.” Bruce had laughed then. 

Now he wonders if Tony’s death is his fault. 

He wishes he were the dead one. Someone will always be willing to comfort Tony Stark. But what’s left for Bruce, when the only person who cared is dead?

With a slow smile, Bruce begins to prepare a list of suicide methods. Something has to work. He’s already dead where it really counts.

**Author's Note:**

> I am completely fascinated with the idea that Bruce can't kill himself, maybe can't die at all. From that perspective, the idea of Bruce as a person gets a lot more depressing. How does one deal with suicide ideation when suicide isn't even an option?


End file.
